Exactly three weeks after turning 17, I lost my wonderful mum and my whole life and heart shattered into tiny pieces soon after. She died on September 19th, 2013. Almost 3 years ago and my pain is still as strong, my heart isn't shattered but more like half-glued back together. Pieces are still missing and I'm almost certain that they always will be.
I genuinely remember the day from start to finish like it was yesterday (I wonder if that will ever change) - I got up and dressed for school, kissed her forehead and said "love you, see you later" and she managed a "love you" back, I got to school, I was down anyway because of the whole situation of my mum being ill so I don't remember being otherwise cheery, I was talking to one of my good friends about how my mum was doing and then my guidance teacher walked in the door, asked to speak to me outside and I knew from the minute he looked at me what had happened. I walked from my seat to him and it felt like a never ending walk although it was probably only seconds long. Loads of things were rushing through my head... Who was with her? Should I have stayed home from school? Did my stepdad get back in time for her passing? Was she okay? Did she go peacefully?
My guidance teacher sat me down and told me my mum had passed away and my brother was coming to collect me. I already knew she had gone, I could feel it but the minute he said it was the minute my heart fell apart and I felt like my world was not ever going to be the same again. I felt so heartbroken about all the things I would miss with her... my graduation from school, prom, getting into college or university, my first proper boyfriend, getting engaged and married, having babies, everything - she was no longer going to be there for me at all. She was just gone.
It's something that still hurts me so much that she doesn't get to experience everything that our family goes through... She doesn't get to see us grow and bond and become closer. I should have had all the time in the world with her, at least half my life but all I got was 17 years. Don't get me wrong, I am completely and utterly thankful for having her for those 17 years... I wouldn't be who I am today without having her for those years and I also wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't lost her.
Losing her has taught me to be sympathetic towards others because you really don't know what sort of situation someone is in and how someone may be feeling on the outside, regardless of what they're really thinking on the inside. It has taught me to be patient with someone when they are unwell. It's not their fault they are lethargic and you can't push them if they don't want to be pushed. It has taught me to love fiercely and always remember who my family are, where I've come from and who to always protect and respect. It has taught me that life is too short to fall out with people long term and to never have bad last words with anyone because you just never know what will happen. It's taught me not to take life for granted and to be who I truly am because there will never be another me and she made me, so I must be pretty great.
My mum was the most beautiful, kind hearted, fiercely protective, intelligent, funny, caring, strong, independent women and she really is the most wonderful woman I'll ever know. I'm so grateful she is my mum and I am her baby girl because there's no one else's I'd rather be.
Here's to all the beautiful muma's out there! Remember they're doing their best and to always love and respect them with all that you have.
I miss and love you more than I'll ever be able to put in to words muma x x x
No comments:
Post a Comment